You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
