I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
