Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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