every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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