Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
