Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
