I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
