The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
