the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
