Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
