I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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