mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
