My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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