It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Randomize
