Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He felt like a one man threesome
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Randomize
