Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
