As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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