Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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