I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Randomize
