Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
