I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
