i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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