No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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