I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Randomize
