Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
