After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
