you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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