We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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