We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
