You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
