I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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