so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
