he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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