The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize