watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Randomize
