worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
