Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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