dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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