sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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