I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
