My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
