I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Pants are for mortals
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
