so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
