checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
It's never too late to be topless.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
