they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
You pole danced in your parka.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
