what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Shame - the story of my life.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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