If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
