my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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