Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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