I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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