my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
